A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff".
Friday, November 27, 2009
The Blonde and the BMW
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Constructing a sentence
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."
Queen's English
An elderly couple, a widower and a widow,had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finance, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently.' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered.... 'Is that one word or two?'
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finance, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently.' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered.... 'Is that one word or two?'
Women
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no
more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no
more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
A story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter,a mouse and a cat.
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down
three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab the fish!!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the Lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three Inches...and that fish
leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper Lunch !
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh,if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly.. and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time).
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly .. and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly... the bear grabs the fish.. the hunter shoots the bear.. the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... the cat jumps for the mouse.. the mouse ducks... the cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.
The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down
three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab the fish!!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the Lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three Inches...and that fish
leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper Lunch !
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh,if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly.. and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time).
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly .. and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly... the bear grabs the fish.. the hunter shoots the bear.. the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... the cat jumps for the mouse.. the mouse ducks... the cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.
The Parrots
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present. The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
"Rs. 2500.", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "Rs. 10,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was. The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him "BOSS"
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
"Rs. 2500.", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "Rs. 10,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was. The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him "BOSS"
The Season Begins
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
Friday, November 13, 2009
Missionary
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds,"Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief stoically replied, "My bike."
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds,"Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief stoically replied, "My bike."
Irish Humour
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says 'how ya doin' me bucko?'
Paddy says ' okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you'.
They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
Mick says 'how ya doin' me bucko?'
Paddy says ' okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you'.
They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
Attitude
After an international beer conference in London , all the world's top brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together.
The Chairman of Budweiser says, 'I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, 'The King of Beers': give me a Budweiser.'
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him.
The Chairman of Guinness says, 'I'd like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness.'
The bartender serves him.
The Chairman of Carlsberg says, ' I would like the world's best beer, drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg.'
He gets it.
Vijay Mallya sits down, looks around and says, 'Just give me a Coke.'
The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.
The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, 'Hey Vijay, how come you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?'
'Listen,' says Vijay Mallya, 'If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I..."
__._,_.___
The Chairman of Budweiser says, 'I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, 'The King of Beers': give me a Budweiser.'
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him.
The Chairman of Guinness says, 'I'd like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness.'
The bartender serves him.
The Chairman of Carlsberg says, ' I would like the world's best beer, drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg.'
He gets it.
Vijay Mallya sits down, looks around and says, 'Just give me a Coke.'
The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.
The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, 'Hey Vijay, how come you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?'
'Listen,' says Vijay Mallya, 'If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I..."
__._,_.___
Friday, November 6, 2009
Exam Answers
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination
in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )
These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery ............. (So true)
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow .............................
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant )
Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium ................( That would work)
Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor ........................................................( Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport ......................................( Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )
These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery ............. (So true)
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow .............................
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant )
Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium ................( That would work)
Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor ........................................................( Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport ......................................( Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Indian Power
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Indian on
an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged," and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Indian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted."And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop.”
an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged," and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Indian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted."And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop.”
50th Wedding Anniversary
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad", gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry", said the father.
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing", said the father.
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, though we were very poor, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep", said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad", gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry", said the father.
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing", said the father.
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, though we were very poor, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep", said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
Speak Slowly With Kids
A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself," Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine.."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
He said to himself," Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine.."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
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