A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice
of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like
a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No, still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Nuclear Power
An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Indian.
He immediately turns to him and makes his move.
"You know," says the American, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to the
American guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the Indian. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff,
grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out ;a flat
patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that
is?"
The American guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the
slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
He immediately turns to him and makes his move.
"You know," says the American, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to the
American guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the Indian. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff,
grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out ;a flat
patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that
is?"
The American guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the
slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Black Leather
The other day I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,
one is a mistress, and of course I have been married to my husband for
nearly 20 years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just
our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went:
My engaged friend:
The other night, my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather
bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman
of my dreams. I love you..' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the
leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened
the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
one is a mistress, and of course I have been married to my husband for
nearly 20 years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just
our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went:
My engaged friend:
The other night, my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather
bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman
of my dreams. I love you..' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the
leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened
the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
These Irish, I Tell You!
Pat and Mick walking down a street in London and Pat happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair'.
Pat says to his pal, 'Mick, will you look at that! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'
'Roight y'are, Pat, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I ill.' says Mick. In they go and Paddy, in his best English accent says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and ......'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland, aren't you?'
'Well...yes,' says a surprised Pat. 'How de hell d'y' know dat ?' The owner says,'Because this is a dry cleaners.'
Pat says to his pal, 'Mick, will you look at that! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'
'Roight y'are, Pat, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I ill.' says Mick. In they go and Paddy, in his best English accent says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and ......'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland, aren't you?'
'Well...yes,' says a surprised Pat. 'How de hell d'y' know dat ?' The owner says,'Because this is a dry cleaners.'
What The Devil
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting
in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming
and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in
his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?"
persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming
and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in
his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?"
persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Santa's Gifts
A ten-year old boy on a brand new cycle is waiting for the signal to change, when a cop on a horse trots up to him.
"Did Santa give you the cycle?" asks the cop.
"Yup", replies the kid.
"Next time tell Santa to give you a rear reflector as well. That will be a $10 fine," says the cop.
The kid sadly fishes out a bill and pays the fine.
"Nice horse," says the kid. "Did Santa give it to you?"
"Yup," says the cop.
"Next time ask him to put a prick under him, not on him."
"Did Santa give you the cycle?" asks the cop.
"Yup", replies the kid.
"Next time tell Santa to give you a rear reflector as well. That will be a $10 fine," says the cop.
The kid sadly fishes out a bill and pays the fine.
"Nice horse," says the kid. "Did Santa give it to you?"
"Yup," says the cop.
"Next time ask him to put a prick under him, not on him."
The Virginity Test
A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'
The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'
The doc replied, Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her head with the shovel.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'
The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'
The doc replied, Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her head with the shovel.
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the > countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought..)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, USA, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam !
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the > countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought..)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, USA, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam !
Beat Round The Bush
Once, former president Bush went to a school. After have a brief talk with the
children he asked them if they had any questions to ask him.
One boy raised his hand and stood up.
Bush: what's your name?
John: John
Bush: what's your question?
John: Sir I have three questions:
1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2) Where is Osama?
3) Why do America support Pakistan so much?
Bush: you are an intelligent student John... (Just then the bell for
recess rang). Oh dear students we will continue after the recess is over......
After the recess
Bush: ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any question?
Peter raises his hand
Bush: What's your name?
Peter: Sir I have 5 questions.
1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2) Where is Osama?
3) Why do America support Pakistan so much?
4) Why did recess bell ring 20 mins before the scheduled time?
5) Where is JOHN?
children he asked them if they had any questions to ask him.
One boy raised his hand and stood up.
Bush: what's your name?
John: John
Bush: what's your question?
John: Sir I have three questions:
1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2) Where is Osama?
3) Why do America support Pakistan so much?
Bush: you are an intelligent student John... (Just then the bell for
recess rang). Oh dear students we will continue after the recess is over......
After the recess
Bush: ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any question?
Peter raises his hand
Bush: What's your name?
Peter: Sir I have 5 questions.
1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2) Where is Osama?
3) Why do America support Pakistan so much?
4) Why did recess bell ring 20 mins before the scheduled time?
5) Where is JOHN?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
What's Sex?
An eight year old little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?".
"OK," he thinks, "This day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, wet dreams and the rest of it.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, paedophilia, etc....
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy just said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
"OK," he thinks, "This day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, wet dreams and the rest of it.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, paedophilia, etc....
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy just said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Red Skelton's Marital Woes
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..
3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”
The driver said, “No, jump in!”
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her First name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months I don’t like to interrupt her.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..
3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”
The driver said, “No, jump in!”
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her First name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months I don’t like to interrupt her.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Boys will be boys
A new lady professor came to teach graduate students and
asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bathtub."
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bathtub."
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bathtub."
Teacher: "Guys are you joking so I will now ask the girls."
First girl: My name is Bubbles...
asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bathtub."
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bathtub."
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bathtub."
Teacher: "Guys are you joking so I will now ask the girls."
First girl: My name is Bubbles...
Gorilla Warfare
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean huge dog.
"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean huge dog.
"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Rajni-Can
Rajanikanth can delete the Recycle Bin.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rajanikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Rajnikanth frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rajanikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Rajnikanth frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
P(h)ew!
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Is this the saddest joke you have heard?
A doctor regularly has a drink at this bar after office hours. Every night the same thing, a daiquiri with an almond in it.
One night he orders the regular and the bartender is chagrined to find the they are out of almonds. Not wanting to lose a good customer he scrounges around and finally comes up with a hickory nut and serves that in the daiquiri thinking the doctor wouldn't notice.
Unfortunately the doctor picks up on it right away and asks "What on earth is this?"
The quick thinking bartender replied " That's a hickory daiquiri doc."
Skinny Dipping
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not comingout until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not comingout until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)