A Gujju ben asks a pregnant christian woman,"Shu thayu? Pet par sujo chadyo?"
The christian woman replies, "Sujo nathi, d'suzu chadyo."
Friday, December 4, 2009
Uh oh
A guy from a rustic Punjab village has been married to this slightly sophisticated babe from the city.
One night when the wife is sleeping, the guy decides to go through her purse. The first thing he finds is a lighter. "Oh no," he thinks, "yeh tho cigarette peethi hain."
Then he finds a miniature bottle and he exclaims, "oh no,yeh tho daaru bhi peethi hain."
Then he finds a condom.
He exclaims, "Iske pas tho lund hain."
One night when the wife is sleeping, the guy decides to go through her purse. The first thing he finds is a lighter. "Oh no," he thinks, "yeh tho cigarette peethi hain."
Then he finds a miniature bottle and he exclaims, "oh no,yeh tho daaru bhi peethi hain."
Then he finds a condom.
He exclaims, "Iske pas tho lund hain."
Friday, November 27, 2009
Top Dog
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff".
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff".
The Blonde and the BMW
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Constructing a sentence
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."
Queen's English
An elderly couple, a widower and a widow,had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finance, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently.' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered.... 'Is that one word or two?'
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finance, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently.' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered.... 'Is that one word or two?'
Women
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no
more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no
more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
A story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter,a mouse and a cat.
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down
three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab the fish!!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the Lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three Inches...and that fish
leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper Lunch !
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh,if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly.. and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time).
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly .. and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly... the bear grabs the fish.. the hunter shoots the bear.. the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... the cat jumps for the mouse.. the mouse ducks... the cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.
The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down
three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab the fish!!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the Lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three Inches...and that fish
leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper Lunch !
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh,if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly.. and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time).
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly .. and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly... the bear grabs the fish.. the hunter shoots the bear.. the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... the cat jumps for the mouse.. the mouse ducks... the cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.
The Parrots
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present. The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
"Rs. 2500.", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "Rs. 10,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was. The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him "BOSS"
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
"Rs. 2500.", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "Rs. 10,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was. The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him "BOSS"
The Season Begins
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
Friday, November 13, 2009
Missionary
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds,"Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief stoically replied, "My bike."
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds,"Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief stoically replied, "My bike."
Irish Humour
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says 'how ya doin' me bucko?'
Paddy says ' okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you'.
They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
Mick says 'how ya doin' me bucko?'
Paddy says ' okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you'.
They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
Attitude
After an international beer conference in London , all the world's top brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together.
The Chairman of Budweiser says, 'I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, 'The King of Beers': give me a Budweiser.'
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him.
The Chairman of Guinness says, 'I'd like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness.'
The bartender serves him.
The Chairman of Carlsberg says, ' I would like the world's best beer, drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg.'
He gets it.
Vijay Mallya sits down, looks around and says, 'Just give me a Coke.'
The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.
The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, 'Hey Vijay, how come you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?'
'Listen,' says Vijay Mallya, 'If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I..."
__._,_.___
The Chairman of Budweiser says, 'I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, 'The King of Beers': give me a Budweiser.'
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him.
The Chairman of Guinness says, 'I'd like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness.'
The bartender serves him.
The Chairman of Carlsberg says, ' I would like the world's best beer, drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg.'
He gets it.
Vijay Mallya sits down, looks around and says, 'Just give me a Coke.'
The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.
The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, 'Hey Vijay, how come you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?'
'Listen,' says Vijay Mallya, 'If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I..."
__._,_.___
Friday, November 6, 2009
Exam Answers
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination
in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )
These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery ............. (So true)
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow .............................
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant )
Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium ................( That would work)
Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor ........................................................( Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport ......................................( Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )
These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery ............. (So true)
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow .............................
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant )
Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium ................( That would work)
Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor ........................................................( Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport ......................................( Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Indian Power
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Indian on
an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged," and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Indian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted."And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop.”
an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged," and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Indian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted."And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop.”
50th Wedding Anniversary
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad", gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry", said the father.
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing", said the father.
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, though we were very poor, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep", said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad", gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry", said the father.
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing", said the father.
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, though we were very poor, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep", said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
Speak Slowly With Kids
A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself," Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine.."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
He said to himself," Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine.."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Misunderstaning
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I
wanna watch."
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I
wanna watch."
Altar Boy's Confession
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads...'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads...'
Coincidence
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
Smart Rooster
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week "
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week "
Friday, September 25, 2009
How It Started
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started....
________________________________________________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
_________________________________________________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started....
_________________________________________________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
_________________________________________________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the
truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started....
________________________________________________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
_________________________________________________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started....
_________________________________________________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
_________________________________________________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the
truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Bus Karo!
In a crowded bus stop, a attractive woman in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket was waiting for her bus.
As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she
still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch me!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the big guy drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!
As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she
still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch me!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the big guy drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!
ATM Instructions. Male & Female
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Never Be Late
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words
while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words
while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
The Good Old Days
Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences. The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that that, indeed, would have been exciting.
The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.
The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.
The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"
The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."
The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.
The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.
The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"
The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."
Indecent Proposal
A guy who has a really bad stutter was walking down the street one day
when he bumps into an old friend.
"It's been a long time, " says the friend, "What have you been up to?"
" I a-a-almost got m-m-m-married" the man replies.
"What do you mean almost?" the friend asks.
"W-w-w-we were sitting on the p-p-porch, and the d-dog was s-s-scratching his back, and I said, 'H-h-honey, w-w-w-would y-y-you do that f-f-f-for me?' and she p-p-punched me out and l-l-left.
"All you did was ask her to scratch your back? What's wrong with that?" inquired the friend.
"W-w-well, by the time I g-g-g-got it out, he was l-l-licking his b-b-balls."
when he bumps into an old friend.
"It's been a long time, " says the friend, "What have you been up to?"
" I a-a-almost got m-m-m-married" the man replies.
"What do you mean almost?" the friend asks.
"W-w-w-we were sitting on the p-p-porch, and the d-dog was s-s-scratching his back, and I said, 'H-h-honey, w-w-w-would y-y-you do that f-f-f-for me?' and she p-p-punched me out and l-l-left.
"All you did was ask her to scratch your back? What's wrong with that?" inquired the friend.
"W-w-well, by the time I g-g-g-got it out, he was l-l-licking his b-b-balls."
Ballerina!
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap,it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap,it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Johnny Is At It...
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f****** appendix out!"
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f****** appendix out!"
Lawyer Friends
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"
The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"
The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"
The Theory of Intelligence
Well you see, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the
slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WORKS EVEN FASTER WITH MARTINIS!!!
slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WORKS EVEN FASTER WITH MARTINIS!!!
Best Out Of Office Replies
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 08/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 1352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 29 weeks.
8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
10: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND,
FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE
-------------------------------------------------
11: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Jennifer' instead of 'Steve'….
2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 08/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 1352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 29 weeks.
8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
10: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND,
FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE
-------------------------------------------------
11: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Jennifer' instead of 'Steve'….
Howzat?
A woman walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road," she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me."
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg."
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the woman, "He was an New Zealand Cricketer."
"That's very observant," said the Sergeant. "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No," she replied, "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."
"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road," she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me."
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg."
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the woman, "He was an New Zealand Cricketer."
"That's very observant," said the Sergeant. "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No," she replied, "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Luck Matters
With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on the bottom 50 and toss the rest.
"Throw away 250 resumes?" I asked, shocked.
"What if the best candidates are in there?"
"You have a point," he said. "But then again, I don't need people with bad luck here."
"Throw away 250 resumes?" I asked, shocked.
"What if the best candidates are in there?"
"You have a point," he said. "But then again, I don't need people with bad luck here."
My Golf Buddy!
Two buddies were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy,so shoot her in the mouth.'
Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy,so shoot her in the mouth.'
Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'
Why Men Should Not Be Agony Aunts
Dear Roger,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
******************************************************
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Roger
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
******************************************************
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Roger
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Viagra
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice
of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like
a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No, still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like
a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No, still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
Nuclear Power
An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Indian.
He immediately turns to him and makes his move.
"You know," says the American, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to the
American guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the Indian. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff,
grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out ;a flat
patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that
is?"
The American guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the
slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
He immediately turns to him and makes his move.
"You know," says the American, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to the
American guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the Indian. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff,
grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out ;a flat
patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that
is?"
The American guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the
slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Black Leather
The other day I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,
one is a mistress, and of course I have been married to my husband for
nearly 20 years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just
our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went:
My engaged friend:
The other night, my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather
bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman
of my dreams. I love you..' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the
leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened
the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
one is a mistress, and of course I have been married to my husband for
nearly 20 years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just
our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went:
My engaged friend:
The other night, my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather
bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman
of my dreams. I love you..' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the
leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened
the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
These Irish, I Tell You!
Pat and Mick walking down a street in London and Pat happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair'.
Pat says to his pal, 'Mick, will you look at that! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'
'Roight y'are, Pat, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I ill.' says Mick. In they go and Paddy, in his best English accent says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and ......'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland, aren't you?'
'Well...yes,' says a surprised Pat. 'How de hell d'y' know dat ?' The owner says,'Because this is a dry cleaners.'
Pat says to his pal, 'Mick, will you look at that! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'
'Roight y'are, Pat, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I ill.' says Mick. In they go and Paddy, in his best English accent says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and ......'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland, aren't you?'
'Well...yes,' says a surprised Pat. 'How de hell d'y' know dat ?' The owner says,'Because this is a dry cleaners.'
What The Devil
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting
in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming
and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in
his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?"
persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming
and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in
his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?"
persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Santa's Gifts
A ten-year old boy on a brand new cycle is waiting for the signal to change, when a cop on a horse trots up to him.
"Did Santa give you the cycle?" asks the cop.
"Yup", replies the kid.
"Next time tell Santa to give you a rear reflector as well. That will be a $10 fine," says the cop.
The kid sadly fishes out a bill and pays the fine.
"Nice horse," says the kid. "Did Santa give it to you?"
"Yup," says the cop.
"Next time ask him to put a prick under him, not on him."
"Did Santa give you the cycle?" asks the cop.
"Yup", replies the kid.
"Next time tell Santa to give you a rear reflector as well. That will be a $10 fine," says the cop.
The kid sadly fishes out a bill and pays the fine.
"Nice horse," says the kid. "Did Santa give it to you?"
"Yup," says the cop.
"Next time ask him to put a prick under him, not on him."
The Virginity Test
A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'
The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'
The doc replied, Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her head with the shovel.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'
The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'
The doc replied, Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her head with the shovel.
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the > countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought..)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, USA, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam !
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the > countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought..)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, USA, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam !
Beat Round The Bush
Once, former president Bush went to a school. After have a brief talk with the
children he asked them if they had any questions to ask him.
One boy raised his hand and stood up.
Bush: what's your name?
John: John
Bush: what's your question?
John: Sir I have three questions:
1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2) Where is Osama?
3) Why do America support Pakistan so much?
Bush: you are an intelligent student John... (Just then the bell for
recess rang). Oh dear students we will continue after the recess is over......
After the recess
Bush: ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any question?
Peter raises his hand
Bush: What's your name?
Peter: Sir I have 5 questions.
1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2) Where is Osama?
3) Why do America support Pakistan so much?
4) Why did recess bell ring 20 mins before the scheduled time?
5) Where is JOHN?
children he asked them if they had any questions to ask him.
One boy raised his hand and stood up.
Bush: what's your name?
John: John
Bush: what's your question?
John: Sir I have three questions:
1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2) Where is Osama?
3) Why do America support Pakistan so much?
Bush: you are an intelligent student John... (Just then the bell for
recess rang). Oh dear students we will continue after the recess is over......
After the recess
Bush: ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any question?
Peter raises his hand
Bush: What's your name?
Peter: Sir I have 5 questions.
1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2) Where is Osama?
3) Why do America support Pakistan so much?
4) Why did recess bell ring 20 mins before the scheduled time?
5) Where is JOHN?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
What's Sex?
An eight year old little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?".
"OK," he thinks, "This day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, wet dreams and the rest of it.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, paedophilia, etc....
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy just said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
"OK," he thinks, "This day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, wet dreams and the rest of it.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, paedophilia, etc....
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy just said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Red Skelton's Marital Woes
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..
3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”
The driver said, “No, jump in!”
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her First name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months I don’t like to interrupt her.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..
3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”
The driver said, “No, jump in!”
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her First name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months I don’t like to interrupt her.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Boys will be boys
A new lady professor came to teach graduate students and
asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bathtub."
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bathtub."
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bathtub."
Teacher: "Guys are you joking so I will now ask the girls."
First girl: My name is Bubbles...
asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bathtub."
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bathtub."
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bathtub."
Teacher: "Guys are you joking so I will now ask the girls."
First girl: My name is Bubbles...
Gorilla Warfare
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean huge dog.
"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean huge dog.
"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Rajni-Can
Rajanikanth can delete the Recycle Bin.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rajanikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Rajnikanth frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rajanikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Rajnikanth frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
P(h)ew!
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Is this the saddest joke you have heard?
A doctor regularly has a drink at this bar after office hours. Every night the same thing, a daiquiri with an almond in it.
One night he orders the regular and the bartender is chagrined to find the they are out of almonds. Not wanting to lose a good customer he scrounges around and finally comes up with a hickory nut and serves that in the daiquiri thinking the doctor wouldn't notice.
Unfortunately the doctor picks up on it right away and asks "What on earth is this?"
The quick thinking bartender replied " That's a hickory daiquiri doc."
Skinny Dipping
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not comingout until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not comingout until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
The Woodpeckers' tale
Sent by Anon
An Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California , the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither> one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion.
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
An Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California , the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither> one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion.
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
10 Fun things to do in a department store
Sent by Kiran Rathod
1.Take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they aren't looking.
2.Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3.Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4.Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House wares.Get on it right away."
5.Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6.While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk wherethe antidepressants are.
7.Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'MissionImpossible' theme.
8.Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell 'PICK ME!PICK ME!'
9. When an announcement cames over the loud speaker, assume a fetal position and 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
10.Go into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled veryloudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
1.Take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they aren't looking.
2.Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3.Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4.Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House wares.Get on it right away."
5.Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6.While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk wherethe antidepressants are.
7.Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'MissionImpossible' theme.
8.Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell 'PICK ME!PICK ME!'
9. When an announcement cames over the loud speaker, assume a fetal position and 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
10.Go into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled veryloudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
Growth mantra
Sent by: Anon
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
Some shit about shit
Sent by: Kiran Rathod
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier,but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you cansee what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening After that , the bundles of manure were alwaysstamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S..H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
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